Friday, May 8, 2015


POO...Number 2....Mr. Hanky.....Caca.......Poop....Shizzle......whatever your word of's all the same. Everybody is doing it but no one wants to talk about it! You smell it, step in it, wipe it, pinch it and you hold many verbs!! The etiquette of pooping is very much a part of Touring 101. There are certain rules on the bus, in the venues and dressing rooms... Let's talk shit!!!!

The first tour I ever did was in a van, so the unwritten rules of dressing rooms and hotel rooms stuffed with 15 other men became reality to me early on! Greg Hall in Sacred Reich termed the Dump and Flush phrase right off the bat! Flushing numerous times after every eviction results in far less chance of chasing everyone out of the from some odor resembling last night's pot roast! This is essential and I hope it makes a comeback like everything else from the '80's did!! Many the hallway and dressing room I have fled from....

In the old days, one of my pet peeves, but one I deal with, was walking in the girl's room and having the stalls filled with crew and band members. "The men's room was trashed" is the common reply as I growl at them. I admit it is kinda funny because the dudes get all embarrassed. After being in this predicament 100's of times, my ways have softened and I just go in the men's room. I found they weren't really as bad as the guys say and there was more privacy!

Graduating to a bus brings more demands! Nothing clumpy in the toilet and sit while you pee...I doubt guys ever do the latter. I just can't see it happening.... Nothing worse than waking up 60 miles from the nearest truck stop and feeling the tacos from the after show the night before! You could stop the bus and hop outside on the side of the freeway but I don't recommend it! When all else fails, start looking for a bag and "Bag It!" I know it sounds bad and it's not anyone's personal choice, but it is better than exploding and making a mess! The worse is where to put the bag! I have seen them on the bus roof, the venue's back yards, the Flyiing J's garbage! Show some creativity!!

The most unusual poo-business I ever beheld was a wild Brazilian on our bus in Eastern Europe. No bag...what to do? Why the pizza box was his choice! I happened to be in the bus lounge just in time to see a pizza delivery of the most unusual kind delivered to the feet of two lovebirds canoodling at the bus stop. They seemed to freeze...

can you see him?

And last but not least, every bus has a Phantom Pooper. Sneaking in the night, falling over the boots in the hallway ever so silently...the Phantom strikes on every tour. Morning brings a stench of another color and sometimes even a nice plug in the pipe. It's happened that the Phantom Pooper pissed the driver off so much, that doors get locked and people squirm; everyone looking at each other through slitted eyes. Silent blame, a wry joke...the side salad for the Secret Pooper. When all else fails, tell the driver it must have been some guest from the night before!! This saves you when he puts the gloves on and gets THAT LOOK in his eyes.

There you have it! Whether you are a newbe or a groupie, about to hop in a van, a bus or dressing room....know your Poo Etiquette! This blog can help you learn answers to the questions you just can't ask....WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!!!!

Class dismissed.....